When Was the Last Time You Got MA-ed?

As you can see, this December has been very productive for me. I have a firm belief that mistletoe is regrettably underutilized in our culture. I honestly don't understand why something that has the potential to bring so much joy to the world is overlooked year after year. In an effort to force my beliefs on other people, I took matters into my own hands...literally.

At this year's Christmas Charity Ball, I dedicated my night to making people's dreams come true—mostly Justin's...I got him to kiss four girls. There really isn't anything I love more than creating awkward situations and watching how people react. It was fun having girls come up to me, telling me where to attack so as to facilitate some much-desired physical contact between their friends. I even had one girl come up to me after the night was over and thank me over and over again for my help. Her friend had asked me to pounce with the Roving Mistletoe so she could kiss the guy of her dreams. Needless to say, I saw the friend at Blockbuster the other day and she came up to me and said, "Are you the mistletoe guy?" I said. "Of course I am." I asked her how things were going with her friend. She said things were moving along nicely. I made her promise she would send me her friend's wedding announcement when the time came.

I can't think of a time when I have ever been happier than that night holding that mistletoe up in the air. I was even rewarded with a kiss of my own. I'll never forget the way Lauren grabbed the back of my head and laid her ruby reds right on mine—which is the least she could do after running in terror the first time I "Mistletoe Ambushed" her at my apartment. At least when I MA-ed Ashley, she just blushed and kept saying she couldn't do it. But her hesitancy was no match for my powers of osculatory persuasion. Isn't that right Ashley?

The mistletoe will be available for public use right inside the front door of the Walker/Partridge/DeHart pad until the first of the year. Just so you know...

Question

Why the *level one* do girls where promise rings? Is it really worth all of the ambiguity? How are we supposed to know if it is just some stupid ring that a missionary gave you in a futile attempt to keep you loyal or if it is a weird wedding band?

Within the past week and a half, I've met two (extremely) attractive girls with rings on their fingers. The rings weren't normal wedding rings though, one was thick and looked cheap and the other looked to be made up of several tiny little bands. When I see rings like that where an engagement ring should be, I get confused and then I don't know what to do. Should I flirt, should I ignore, should I just treat you like a non-sexual, non-female being that I have no chance with? I'm programmed to perpetuate the DeHart name, right? I need to know who I can do that with and promise rings just get in the way, you know?

A Light(box) at the End of the Tunnel

Although I've only been working a 40-hour week now for about two and a half years, I still find it difficult to focus some days. I've made progress and certain days don't even seem like eight hours long, but other days seem like I've been working for 14 hours by 11 o'clock (Editors note—I include a Facebook Status from July 28, 2010 to further illustrate my point: "How the *level one* is it only 11?!! I feel like I've been here for 14 hours already."). I owe my success to several survival tactics I've come up with—one of which I will describe below—

Most projects at my job require some sort of photographic element in order to achieve the esthetic nirvana that all hospital patients are expecting from their healthcare public relations department. Luckily for us, we have www.istock.com, a stock photography site that sells you the rights to thousands upon thousands of professional photos. One very convenient service istock provides is a page on your account called a "lightbox." Simply put, a lightbox is where you can store images that you like but are not planning on purchasing right away. I use mine quite often to store photos of different services (i.e. rehab, surgery) that I come across in case I might need them in the future.

Well, to make a long story even longer...I have a coworker who rarely uses istock. I also have another coworker that manages our account and has created a lightbox page for everyone on the team—including this coworker who doesn't really use it. One day I came across a photo that was really awkward and made me a little uncomfortable. Holly (yet another coworker) and I decided we would put it in Ethan's lightbox. We thought it was really funny (and may or may not have laughed ourselves silly for longer than is normal for two working professionals. Sine that fateful day, I have been adding photos to his lightbox whenever I come across something bizarre.

I don't know what it is about secretly putting weird pictures in a digital folder that is so fun, but I giggle like a little kid every time I think about it. I laugh even harder when I pull up the folder online and shuffle through the collection.

I guess the lesson here is don't let monotony govern your work days. Look for ways to shake things up...even if it's at someone else's expense!

Here are a couple of the gems from my coworker's lightbox for your enjoyment:

Hug a Single Person Day

It's been a while, I know. I need to work on that. If it's any consolation, I've been updating my music blog pretty regularly ( themarkofdane.blogspot.com ). As for my personal blog, just a couple of updates to report:

1. I just got my hair cut...short. Not too happy about it. With my hair short again I look younger and I look lost. Don't ask me to explain it, that's the only way I can describe it. Luckily, it will only take about four months for it to grow back to where it was. Heck, I may just let it grow out to look like this guy (don't tell my mom)—

What do you think?


2. I ran the Red Rock Relay this weekend and loved it, that is until it was two in the morning and I was thinking about the four uphill miles that were in front of me. It was cold and I kept thinking deranged homeless guys were going to jump me and drag me into the bushes, but I just turned my iPod up and focused on the road. Just when I thought I was going to die of hypothermia, Cyndi Lauper came on with "All Through the Night" and I looked up and saw a shooting star. Another point of severe discomfort assaulted me on my third leg when I was running through the desert at midday. I had a 6.7 mile stretch that started off smooth with about two miles downhill, but then took a turn for the worst (literally) when it started going uphill. It was miserable. When I reached the last hill and thought that the day would end with me at the hospital, my iPod pulled through yet again with Dave Barnes' "Carry Me Though." "There's a mountain, here before me, and I'm gonna climb it, with strength not my own." It was perfect timing...literally carried me through.



3. I am in the process of planning a Masquerade party. We actually have a committee of 21 people who are planning it. We have five sub committees: invitations, decorations, food, photography and music. We may have to include another: lighting, unless we want to add another sub-sub committee to decorations. We'll have to see. Hopefully people come and don't complain about masks being against their religion.

4. I am a single man again—did I mention mortal fear grips my heart every time I think about it? I hate grocery shopping alone. I don't know what it is about buying food without anyone next to me that just makes me feel down. It's been about three weeks since the breakup and I've been feeling a little lonely. I was walking down the hall at work the other day and I thought, "Man, I need a hug." I realized it had been a while since I had had one and it made me miss having a girlfriend who would hug me every day. Don't get me wrong, us single men are tough, but every now and then, we just need to be wrapped in some arms. So if you haven't already today, go hug a single person. They don't get as many as the rest of the world.


Well, that's about it...for now. I'll keep you posted on any other exciting happenings as needed.

BLTs and Wasperry Shakes

I've had the delightful opportunity as of late to spend a couple of weekends in Bear Lake. My buddy Tanner has a cabin up there and has been generous enough to invite me on two occasions. The first trip we went on was more of a "guy night" (*forearm double bump*) with Justin, Mark, Tanner and me. While the second was more of what the young people now-a-days lovingly call a "co-ed trip."



I had never been to Bear Lake before our first trip and was a little shocked by how beautiful it was up there. Out Guy Night trip was great because we were able to head up and just relax (and talk about whatever we wanted). I took a bunch of crosswords to do throughout the weekend and was again surprised when everyone wanted to help me complete them. I have been doing crosswords for years and have never had such a pleasant response.


Let it be written as well, that this trip was where the "tenner" was born. We pretty much played "Name Your Price" the whole trip (For those of you who are unfamiliar, Name Your Price is a game where you ask a friend how much money it would take for them to do some outlandish hypothetical situation). It was decided in Bear Lake that the price would always be $10 and the situations would no longer remain hypothetical and that is how the "tenner" was born. The tenner is the $10 bill that now acts as the price for all our bets. On another post, I'll have to fill you in on all the bets that have taken place so far.

On the second trip, we invited girls (including Mindy), which was awesome. We had the cabin to ourselves and the boys slept in the loft and the girls slept in the bedrooms. We hung out at the beach, we made delicious food and we held the first-ever (drumroll please) crossword challenge. We broke into teams and each did the same crossword. Needless to say, Justin, Dane and Ashley creamed the other team. A combination of Dane's experience, Justin's abounding knowledge and cinematic expertise and Ashley's fashion know-how, Team Killdeer was able to take home the championship trophy.


The other highlight of the co-ed trip, was the patriotic tribute we performed around the campfire. With lit sparklers in hand, all seven of us sang "My Country Tis of Thee." It was decided by Lana that we needed to hold the last note out until every sparkler had died. It was a little weird, but we were laughing ourselves silly. That was right before the flaming fireball of treesap spewed out of the flames and landed on my arm, my hair and my clothes. Lucky for me, I now have a free souvenir from the trip: a pink scar the size of a nickel on my forearm.


Now all I can do as I sit at my desk, is count down the days until I am there again. On the second trip, I was running along the shore and this song came on my iPod. I have to share it because everytime I hear it now, I think of Bear Lake. The song is Sooner or Later by Rookie of the Year.

Some Days Are Better Than Others

The Perfect Gift for an Over Anxious ESFP

I often tell people I struck human gold with my friends. The other day I was at the store when I got a phone call. It was my buddy Justin. Justin told me that he, Mark and Brian (two of my other buddies) all wanted to go to lunch and they were calling, because they wanted to go with me.

I told them I would love to go--mostly because it involved two of my favorite things: 1. Getting invited to do stuff and 2. food. We set a time and they picked me up and took me to Friday's. What they didn't tell me is that they invited two of our other friends, Tanner and David. What they didn't tell me(#2)was that we were "celebrating." What we were celebrating? I didn't know. Nor did I know until we were well into dinner and Justin pulled out a small package wrapped in a brown paper bag.

He told me that we were celebrating our friendship and that they had gotten me something that they really thought I needed. Needless to say, I was a little scared and I was thinking it was probably something inappropriate or embarrassing and I would probably regret opening it at the restaurant or ever agreeing to have dinner with them. Needless to say (#2), I opened it anyway. Like I've said before, I am much to fond of awkward situations to let getting embarrassed ruin them. I tore a little piece of paper at the edge only to peer in and read the word "pregnancy" on the outside of the inner object. My suspicions were correct. At that moment I knew the object contained in that wrapping was both inappropriate and embarrassing. I finished unwrapping the present to find this little number:

I was delighted of course. There is nothing I like more than presents and there is nothing I like more than presents that are meant to be funny. Let me insert here that they changed the description at the top from "A sexuality resource for teenagers" to A sexuality resource for over anxious ESFPs." I loved everything about it. I was even more delighted because the kids I tutor at Slate Canyon call me the 40 Year Old Virgin and I always retort with, "Abstinence rocks!"

If I may share a line from chapter 13: There are many other ways to make love.

"Many sexual experiences can be enjoyed without losing your virginity. These experiences are more pleasurable when both partners understand that they are not intended to stimulate feelings that would lead to intercourse."

So kids, take my advice and heed the 501 reasons to hold off on sex. You'll be happy you did!

Thank you Justin, Mark and Brian.

Rest in Peace Ticka-Ticka

Last night I watched the last episode of Lost. My thoughts after five years of devotion (I say five years, because I started watching Lost partway through the second season. I was out in DC and I watched the whole first season on a video iPod. That's right, I was introduced to Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke and everyone else through a 2 1/2 inch LCD screen.):

Above all, I'm sad to see it end. I'm not a fanatic nor did I spend my sleepless nights speculating possible endings to the series, but I have gotten attached to the characters and their story lines. An island full of troubled plane crash survivors with sordid pasts, just makes for excellent TV.

I will miss the social outlet Lost provided me. Even when I watched Lost on my buddy's iPod, I ended up sharing the earphones with someone else at least half of the time. At one point we had four people watching that tiny screen! Since then, I have either rented the DVDs and watched them with friends or I have simply met up with others to watch it air on TV. Not only do we get to watch the show, but we get to talk about it after. I'm all for excuses to get a group of people together and Lost has been that excuse for at least four years.

And last, but not least, I am going to miss Kate. Especially in season four and five when she is off the island and looking really good...

In honor of a show that's had us all on the edge of our seats for the last six years, I include my favorite scene from six seasons.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UALYfVCLlYM

I guess now I'll have to find something else to look forward to every Tuesday night. Any ideas?

The Symbolism of the Solitary Slipper

Monday night, after a rather blustery FHE at Kiwanis Park, I was over at my buddy Mark's house. Several of my other ward friends were there i.e. Tanner, Kylee, Rachi-chi (honorary ward member), Laura and others. We were having a good time talking about yesteryear when Mindy sent me a text saying she had made ice cream and that it was at her house waiting for me (My favorite flavor of ice cream is homemade.). I decided right then and there that I was going to go to her house and I was going to eat that ice cream.

Once I had made the decision to leave, I knew that a goodbye would ensue and that always makes me a little nervous, especially at Mark's because I hate leaving and I hate having to say goodbye to my best friends, even if it is to go eat ice cream with my girlfriend. I started heading for the door and people started saying goodbye. Tanner insisted that I come back with Mindy and probably the ice cream too. I told him I would see what I could do and he then demanded collateral to make sure that I would come back. I simply laughed at the joke and pulled my wallet out in jest, but then I took my shoe off and gave it to him. The adventure factor of it all got the better of me and I drove the 10 minutes to Mindy's without a right shoe.

Needless to say, I didn't end up going back to Mark's that night, but on the ride over to Mindy's I may or may not have gotten a little misty thinking about how good it feels to have someone want you to come back. It's a remarkable feeling...

Yesterday I made my way back to my shoe and picked it up to take it home, but decided to set it back down. The sight of it there alone on the shoe rack in Mark's living room was a symbol to me of "coming back" and I felt taking it home right then would marr that memory. So, to make a long story even longer, the shoe sits alone as a reminder of what it feels like to have friends who want you back.

An Ode to the Dictionary

If you were to ask me what the best birthday present is that I've ever received, I would tell you without hesitation that the Merriam-Webster's collegiate dictionary from my best friend Phil and his fiancee (at the time), Jenn, was one of the best (if not the best) birthday present I have ever received. "A dictionary?" you ask. Yes, a dictionary.

It all started in the seventh grade when I was herded into the "regular" english class with all of the other students suffering from literary dificiencies. I was never good at writing or vocabulary and I honestly don't remember ever liking English, but after spending some time in class, I felt like I needed more of a challenge. I had my mom talk to the "system" and she managed to get me bumped to the honors class despite my repugnant scores on the English portion of the state exams. I loved my new class and I really started to love words.

In high school, I managed to get a hold of an old collegiate dictionary and would refer to it often at home. I'm guessing that is what gave Phil the first clue. That, and the fact that my dictionary was missing about three pages in the "M" section (drove me crazy).

I bring all of this up because a series of recent events has caused me to think about that dictionary and dictionaries in general. Call it an ode to the dictionary, if you will.

Event #1: The other day I was trying to describe how I felt to a friend and I couldn't come up with the right word. I was hungry, but I wasn't full-blown hungry, I was inbetween slightly and moderately hungry and for the life of me, I couldn't come up with the right descriptive word. It was then that I decided I needed a reverse dictionary. So instead of wondering about a word for a while, I would simply pull up the "I" section and find the reverse definition of "inbetween slightly and moderately."

Event #2: Yesterday morning I opened up my closet to find a slow drip, drip of water from the upstairs toilet conveniently leaking on my favorite suit. I hurried and moved the suit out of the flow along with all of my other clothes in jeopardy of being soiled, but my major concern wasn't saving my clothes, it was finding the right word to describe the water that had a very unpleasant smell. I kept thinking of the word "fetid." I had a somewhat flimsy grasp of its meaning but didn't know for sure until I looked it up later that night in my collegiate dictionary and realized it meant "having a heavy offensive smell."

Event #3: Perhaps spurred by all of the dictionary happenings of the previous days, my dream last night involved a dictionary. It just so happened that in this dream of mine, I dropped my favorite birthday present into the toilet on accident. I was devastated to say the least and I was frantically trying to dry it off without completely ruining it. I'm pretty sure it could have been described as fetid at that point.

I know, I know, a little boring, right? But as a PR person, I love words, I love to write and I love to peruse the dictionary.

Changing the Stars

Isn't it funny how you can live with yourself for 26 1/2 years and still learn things about who you are?... The other day I was watching a movie with my friendgirl, Mindy. The movie: "A Knight's Tale." The venue: Mindy's basement. A Knight's Tale is one of my all time favorite movies. Mostly because of the "Golden Years" scene and the exchange between Will and his father after being away for 12 years:

"He wanted you to know that he changed his stars after all."
"Has he followed his feet? Has he found his way home at last?"

...It gets me everytime, but that is not what this story is about, this story is about perpetual self discovery.

While we were watching the movie, I laughed (I tend to laugh a lot.) and Mindy asked what was so funny. I thought for a moment and realized that nothing was funny. I then asked myself, "If nothing was funny, than why was I laughing?" It was then that I came to the conclusion that I was laughing not because of something humorous on the movie, but because I was happy. I was happy watching one of my favorite movies with one of my new favorite people. I did a mental evaluation of my life after that and saw evidence of my new discovery over and over again.

It seems that my hypothesis was accurate because within the next week or so, I went to see "How to Train Your Dragon" (which I might add, is an incredible movie. I hate computer animated films and I'm not a big fan of ones with a title like this one, but I loved the story, the flying scenes and Gerard Butler as Hiccup's dad.) I was with my buddy Mark and we were talking before the movie started when he mentioned how I laugh a lot. I agreed and then he said something that surprised me. He said, "Dane, the thing I like about you is, you don't just laugh when things are funny, but you laugh because you are happy." I almost fell out of my seat. What took me 26 and a half years to discover, took my friend roughly three months. I guess that is what friends are for.

Photo Shoot

Okay, seeing that exceptional example of photography next to my first post inspired me to let you see some of the other work of my dear friend Heather Wiscombe. She took this photography internship last year and really loved it. One day I casually suggested she do a photo shoot of me (strictly to give her a chance to practice, I told her). She took the bate and now I have a whole CD of pictures which Abercrombie and Fitch has already been asking about. Let me know what you think. My favorite is the one without my face in it. To see more of Heather's stuff, go here http://heatherwphotography.blogspot.com/!

All Aboard!

Welcome to the Dane Train: a place where I will put all my stuff—mostly new songs, artists and albums I come across that inspire me and make me a little weepy on a slow day in the office and also various thoughts and maybe a little poem or two. Above all, I just want one more thing to do at work when I don't want to work. So, load your bags, pick a seat, buy a chocolate frog and enjoy the ride.