Back in the New York Groove

Just thought I would share some videos to illustrate a little bit about how I feel today...











I'll be taking a bite out of the Big Apple in approximately 12 hours...Wish me luck.

The David Crapo Plan

I'm currently on my sixth week of the David Crapo Plan. Now, for those of you who don't know, David Crapo is my personal trainer. That's right, personal trainer. Basically that means he advises me on working out, eating well and avoiding cheese sticks. The very fact that I have a personal trainer named David Crapo may come as a surprise to most of you, especially since I have ridiculed my roommate every day for the past six months for his efforts to follow this supposed "David Crapo Plan"—the one that I lovingly refer to as the "kill-joy" diet. Please, let me explain.

For the past 27 1/2 years of my life, my mother (and everyone else for that matter) has kindly let me know how skinny I am. When I was young, my grandpa used to say, "Hey Dane, you're so skinny. Do you have to run around in the shower to get wet?" For years I have tried to gain weight. Mostly I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. My only problem with that is, I love cardio exercise—running, biking, swimming, you name it, I enjoy doing it. After a run of failed attempts at packing on the pounds, I decided to really get serious about gaining weight. I usually don't pay any attention to the fad diets and work out plans that are always popping up, but the "David Crapo Plan" seemed to be getting a lot of buzz on all the local media outlets, so I gave him a call.

"Gain 10 pounds? Ya, of course we can do that," he said...That was the start of something really beautiful, that is until I sat in the Bod Pod and saw my score of 20.2 percent body fat. Just so you know, that's 32 lbs. of blubber spread all over my body. If hearing that wasn't bad enough, Justin adds insult to injury with his shining score of about a million points less than me—and he's the one with the nickname "Lard Butt." What the *level one* is happening to me? I've got something sinister going on inside of me. I feel like the farmer who just found out the Rats of NIMH have been living under his farm for years...

Needless to say, I've been humbled. I've been shown my weakness and been labeled "excess fat" by the Bod Pod calculations. So after a day of feeling sorry for myself and teetering back and forth from anorexia to lemon juice cleanse, I've decided to buck up, bid the Tilla-moos a fond farewell and drop my caloric intake each day to 2400 (this, of course, was prescribed by my trainer last night after I became slighlty unhinged). The days of whatever, whenever are over and the dawn of the best shape of my life has begun. Wish me luck.

Very, Very Valentine-less

As I was preparing the Very, Very Valentine's Edition of my newsletter at work today I came across this article I wrote last year. I thought it was cleverly written and had some good activity ideas if you find yourself regrettably Valentine-less this year. Actually, most of the ideas can also be implemented by love-gushing couples.

Take a look and plan on celebrating the Day of Love this year regardless of whatever stages of romance (or unromance) you find yourselves in.

What to do on Valentine’s Day if you don’t have a Valentine? Beat the bachelor/bachelorette blues with these bright ideas.

It’s Valentine’s Day and you find yourself unavoidably single. Now what? Here are 10 things you can do instead of moping.

1. Party it up! Meet up with your single friends and revel in all the freedom and fun that comes with being single.

2. Movie night with your favorite celebrity crush. Rent a couple of movies with the famous hunk or hottie of your choosing, jump into some sweat pants and toss a bag of Orville Redenbacher into the microwave.

3. Spend the night with your best “friendboy” or “friendgirl.” Take out a friend of the opposite sex and enjoy each other’s company over some tasty food and a funny movie.

4. Play hooky. Skip work or school and do what you’ve always wanted to do while the sun is still up—whether it’s hitting the slopes or holing up in front of the fireplace at home.

5. Do nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe the best way to celebrate the day of love is not to celebrate at all. Go to work, go to the gym, go home. Feb. 15 will come before you know it.

6. Girls’ Night Out/Boy’s Night Out. If you’re lucky enough to have friends in the same boat as you, get together and hit the town. Rock the nearest Kareoke bar, kick back in front of the latest flick or grab some grub at your favorite place—anything is better with friends around.

7. Celebrate non-romantic love. Heck! Just because it’s V-Day doesn’t mean you’ve got to spend it with your lover. Hang out with a sibling, a pet, your kids, a parent or a co-worker.

8. Play matchmaker (for yourself). Don Cupid’s quiver and diaper by taking the opportunity to let your crush know how you feel with some balloons and a saucy note from “your secret admirer” or from _______________ (your name here) if you’re feeling bold.

9. Don’t have someone else to spoil? Spoil yourself. Get a massage, max out your visa at the salon or buy the Hugo suit you’ve been eyeing for months…

10. Do something nice for someone else. Nothing beats the blues like a little service. Find someone that needs cheering up and bake them some cookies, mail them a card or send them a singing telegram.

Ahhh.

Hello new friend.

When Was the Last Time You Got MA-ed?

As you can see, this December has been very productive for me. I have a firm belief that mistletoe is regrettably underutilized in our culture. I honestly don't understand why something that has the potential to bring so much joy to the world is overlooked year after year. In an effort to force my beliefs on other people, I took matters into my own hands...literally.

At this year's Christmas Charity Ball, I dedicated my night to making people's dreams come true—mostly Justin's...I got him to kiss four girls. There really isn't anything I love more than creating awkward situations and watching how people react. It was fun having girls come up to me, telling me where to attack so as to facilitate some much-desired physical contact between their friends. I even had one girl come up to me after the night was over and thank me over and over again for my help. Her friend had asked me to pounce with the Roving Mistletoe so she could kiss the guy of her dreams. Needless to say, I saw the friend at Blockbuster the other day and she came up to me and said, "Are you the mistletoe guy?" I said. "Of course I am." I asked her how things were going with her friend. She said things were moving along nicely. I made her promise she would send me her friend's wedding announcement when the time came.

I can't think of a time when I have ever been happier than that night holding that mistletoe up in the air. I was even rewarded with a kiss of my own. I'll never forget the way Lauren grabbed the back of my head and laid her ruby reds right on mine—which is the least she could do after running in terror the first time I "Mistletoe Ambushed" her at my apartment. At least when I MA-ed Ashley, she just blushed and kept saying she couldn't do it. But her hesitancy was no match for my powers of osculatory persuasion. Isn't that right Ashley?

The mistletoe will be available for public use right inside the front door of the Walker/Partridge/DeHart pad until the first of the year. Just so you know...

Question

Why the *level one* do girls where promise rings? Is it really worth all of the ambiguity? How are we supposed to know if it is just some stupid ring that a missionary gave you in a futile attempt to keep you loyal or if it is a weird wedding band?

Within the past week and a half, I've met two (extremely) attractive girls with rings on their fingers. The rings weren't normal wedding rings though, one was thick and looked cheap and the other looked to be made up of several tiny little bands. When I see rings like that where an engagement ring should be, I get confused and then I don't know what to do. Should I flirt, should I ignore, should I just treat you like a non-sexual, non-female being that I have no chance with? I'm programmed to perpetuate the DeHart name, right? I need to know who I can do that with and promise rings just get in the way, you know?

A Light(box) at the End of the Tunnel

Although I've only been working a 40-hour week now for about two and a half years, I still find it difficult to focus some days. I've made progress and certain days don't even seem like eight hours long, but other days seem like I've been working for 14 hours by 11 o'clock (Editors note—I include a Facebook Status from July 28, 2010 to further illustrate my point: "How the *level one* is it only 11?!! I feel like I've been here for 14 hours already."). I owe my success to several survival tactics I've come up with—one of which I will describe below—

Most projects at my job require some sort of photographic element in order to achieve the esthetic nirvana that all hospital patients are expecting from their healthcare public relations department. Luckily for us, we have www.istock.com, a stock photography site that sells you the rights to thousands upon thousands of professional photos. One very convenient service istock provides is a page on your account called a "lightbox." Simply put, a lightbox is where you can store images that you like but are not planning on purchasing right away. I use mine quite often to store photos of different services (i.e. rehab, surgery) that I come across in case I might need them in the future.

Well, to make a long story even longer...I have a coworker who rarely uses istock. I also have another coworker that manages our account and has created a lightbox page for everyone on the team—including this coworker who doesn't really use it. One day I came across a photo that was really awkward and made me a little uncomfortable. Holly (yet another coworker) and I decided we would put it in Ethan's lightbox. We thought it was really funny (and may or may not have laughed ourselves silly for longer than is normal for two working professionals. Sine that fateful day, I have been adding photos to his lightbox whenever I come across something bizarre.

I don't know what it is about secretly putting weird pictures in a digital folder that is so fun, but I giggle like a little kid every time I think about it. I laugh even harder when I pull up the folder online and shuffle through the collection.

I guess the lesson here is don't let monotony govern your work days. Look for ways to shake things up...even if it's at someone else's expense!

Here are a couple of the gems from my coworker's lightbox for your enjoyment: